Thursday, July 30, 2009

Jens, wir lieben Dich!

Jens Voigt doesn’t read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.
Waldo can’t be found because Jens dropped him on a hill training ride… on K2.
Jens doesn’t spin or mash the pedals… he kicks them into submission.
Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.”
Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.
If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up Football, Fred.”
Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.
Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.
Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960’s, where he became a great champion.
Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ass.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick… and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.
If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.
If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.
Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.
Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the team car and claiming a stomach ailment.
Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks.
You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats spring steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. For between-meal snacks he eats men’s souls, and downs it with a tall cool glass of The Milk of Human Suffering.
Jens Voigt believes it’s not butter.
Jens Voigt can eat just one.
The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt’s wheel, but cracked.
Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.
Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.
Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.
Jens’s tears are so tough they could be the world heavyweight mixed-martial arts champion. Too bad Jens never cries.
Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn’t try to drop himself.
Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it’s white with the salty, dried tears of all the riders whose souls he has crushed.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Just got back from 6days of racing in Bend, OR - an amazing place to have a stage race! Never been to that part of the country but it was well worth it. Other people apparently thought so, too, as they had a field limit of 150 but 240 Pro/Cat1's wanted to race and they finally cut it off at 187 starters!

I rode again with Mike Olheiser's team out of Alabama and the past 6 days of racing flew by quickly. After two weeks w/ out any racing and just training I had a little hard time to adjust to the speeds on Stage 1, but it went alright and we all finished in the pack. Unfortunately though, Mike missed the break of 20some riders who rode away before the KOM and the feed zone. 4min down on G :-( Stage 2 saw a very quick run-in to the last 10miles of uphill. We did like 30mph in the first hour on that stage and it seemed like nothing would stick until they finally let a group go. And again, the feed zone was used to try to break up the field. Weird. And I thought amateurs get called out for doing that in the big races...We raced to the base of the climb and - of course - there was a pile-up in the middle of the field 40riders down. I had to unclip, chase back on and later felt that my legs are not quite there yet...Ex-Euro badass Oscar Sevilla showed what he can do and solo'd to victory.

Mike and I "hiding" at the front during Stage 1 (photo J. Devich)

The TT the next day was a quick 16mile affair with 8miles going out (and 1000ft up) and 8miles going back down. I had the pleasure to be "sandwiched" somewhere in between CX champ Ryan Trebon and time trial king and NRC points leader Tom Zirbel. Well, i passed 3 guys including Trebon but - of course - Zirbel went by me 3mph faster before the turn-around and ended up winning - I was 3:50min off and came in 50something place. Okay. Too much uphill for me.

Stage 4's Road Race was another killer stage. 84miles with the first 16miles going pretty much uphill, climbing 2500+feet to the base of Mt. Bachelor - one of those snow-covered giant mountains around Bend. The road was wide open, maybe 4-6% steep and Mancebo + Hugo Pena % Co. set a blistering pace for Rock and their leader Sevilla. It was manageable until the 1K to the top..The field was already shattered and maybe 30guys were still in the front group. Mike and I were there, but I was in the red zone...2 guys from OUCH and a couple GARMIN kids were with us and we went 30seconds short on the front group through the first feed zone on top of the climb. Luckily, they really wanted to catch back on quickly and after descending for 5 miles we caught the front group and it was back to "business as usual" again. Another silly crash happened with 15miles to go - again, in the middle of the field, people touching wheels and 10+guys go down. I had another lucky day and only had to clip out and chase for 10sec and was back in the field. The finish was tough, it really kicked uphill with 3miles to go and I rolled in 60ish something place in a group of 10guys. Legs were feeling better than the days before.

The crit/Stage 5 was held in downtown Bend (Bond & Wall St) and pretty fast at 29.3mph but thanks to the constant Driveway races I was used to that speed :-) After 90min everything ended up in a field sprint and I just cruised through in the middle of the pack. I couldn't do anything other than sitting in and holding the wheel in front of me while we were going 35mph on the straights and I saw 600W on the deck computer.
thinking about what recovery drinks to chose...

The final and 6th stage was held on the same course like Elite Nats and was a tough little 16mile circuit. I was well out of contention in GC so I figured I might try to do something early while Mike was supposed to "chill" and wait for the final laps where it gets really hard in order to move up in GC a bit (he was sitting 23rd). Those first 15minutes of the race were some of the hardest I've done for a while. At 3500ft you feel your lungs pretty good, especially when you go from "zero" to all-out. Even Landis joined me in one for the early moves and although I was able to stick with "Mr. 53x11" they (the field) wouldn't let anything go that day early. So I just tried to stay where I was and help out Mike as much as possible. After - another - crash we had to chase back one because someone decided to go down in the middle of the field again, causing a few broken wheels and bones (?). Halfway through I had nothing left and barely made it over the last KOM in before the caravan and - adding to my "luck" - I flatted my front on the downhill. I called it a day right then, rode back to the feed zone to help the team and just rolled back to the host house to get at least some miles in my legs.
trying to get into the early move (photo J. Devich)

Overall, a pretty cool trip with lots hard racing miles which will hopefully be beneficial here in the near future for the upcoming regional races.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Lawrence, KS

The 3rd weekend in a row in Kansas City is wrapped up and the inaugural Tour of Lawrence is over. Was lots of fun and some good competition with some good prize $$$. Friday's Street sprints were obviously not my cup of tea but I had tons of fun hanging with the gang anyways. Chad made the frontpage of the local paper, though :-)

Saturday went better but it wasn't good enough to win. Heath and I rolled off the front with 30min to go in the 70min and we never looked back and did a pursuit-style 2-man TT to hold off the chasing pack. 2nd was not bad, though and I losing to him ain't a bad thing ;-) After some dinner at Freestate, some frozen custard at Coldstone and a visit to the Eldrigde it was time to head home to the Marshall residence.

Sunday's circuit race was definitvely one of the harder races I've done in the past, although 55miles wasn't too bad. Would it have been 80miles like originally planned (?) maybe 10guys would have finished that race. The KU campus is a beutiful place to have bike race and I wonder why not other places like this can have a bike race like that. Joe and I were always in the front group but when Sullivan attacked with 1 to go I didn't had anything left to throw in the game and had to be content with 8th on the day.

This is for you, Russ "Big Daddy" Walker:

and this one is for you Todd :-)